Lists of Five Things

Five Things that scare me:

1. Clowns. (And thank you, Stephen Speilberg, for that lovely scene in Poltergeist)

2. Restaurants that serve weird foods like bull testicles, tongue, or anything with a face.

3. Talking dolls (no matter what they say they always sound evil)

4. Heights (although I've occasionally enjoyed being put on a pedestal)

5. The alarming number of parents I see who don't parent their kids or bother to teach them respect for themselves and others.


Five Things that make me laugh:

1. My husband Rich's imitation of Arnold Schwartzeneggar screwing Donald Duck

2. Guide dogs who pass gas in an elevator full of people just as the doors close

3. Peeling off strips of a clear facial mask and convincing my son I am actually losing large layers of skin

4. The time Torie's boyfriend worked on her car with his buddies. For weeks after that, whenever she made a right hand turn her horn would blast.

5. Writing "Wash Me" with a ball point pen just above my best friend's pubic area right before they wheel her in for surgery


Five Things I love:

1. Losing myself in a good book while soaking in a hot, fragrant bath.

2. Playing devil's advocate

3. Writing or doing anything creative or artistic

4. Playing a multiball bonus in a pinball game

5. Hanging out on the beach, making sand sculptures and looking for beach glass


Five Things I hate:

1. Mean-spirited and artificial people

2. Censorship, homophobia, racism and general intolerance.

3. Rectal thermometers

4. One-size-fits-all pantyhose

5. Crowds


Five Things I don't understand:

1. Myself

2. How exactly an alka seltzer can be used as a sexual aide (long story)

3. Where my G-spot is

4. The Cadbury Bunny

5. Canadian men


Five things I can't do:

1. Gymnastics (At least not intentionally. Scrabbling madly to regain my balance, while impressive, doesn't really count)

2. Watch the Ferrangis on Star Trek (something about the way they move skeeves me out)

3. Keep my sneakers tied (even when I baby-knot them)

4. Find my keys

5. Keep plants alive (when relatives visit, I go out and buy new plants to place around the house just to impress them into thinking I have a "green thumb")


Five things on my desk:

1. The most recent Harry Potter book I'm rereading. (I have this excellent theory that Snape was actually instrumental in saving Harry from Voldemort's attack when he was an infant.)

2. A can of Diet Coke

3. Sheets of tutorial exercises I'm writing for the software company I work for.

4. A goddess statue of a woman with a lion and a moon glow crystal ball.

5. A candle.


Five negative facts about me:

1. I set all my clocks ahead at least 15-30 minutes to trick myself into being on time

2. I once fooled my kid into thinking a doggie treat was a hunk of bacon. I know--bad mom--but you had to be there to appreciate it.

3. I used to give my kids giant pixie sticks to eat before I sent them to visit my ex-husband. The resulting sugar rush was something truly beautiful to behold.

4. My house might look spotless, but you take your life in your hands if you try to open the hall closet.

5. Too often any attempts I make at--ahem!--self-pleasure, usually end with me falling asleep before anything interesting happens.


If any of you wants to try your hand at one or more of the Lists of Five Things, let me know so I can see your responses.