Friday, August 26, 2005

The Matchmakers



I was cutting the kids a slice of chocolate cake when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said, propping the phone between my chin and shoulder and handing the children their plates.

A man's voice came through the phone line. "Hi. Is this Juno?"

"Yes. Who's this?"

"This is Phil."

I hesitated, puzzled. "I don't know any Phil."

He laughed. "I'm the guy that pumped your gas this afternoon. Your son gave me your business card and told me to call you. He thinks you need to get out more."

"He WHAT?!?"

The kids were watching me with interest. I put my hand over the receiver. "Brian, did you give some strange man my business card and tell him to call me?" I whispered furiously.

Brian suddenly decided he had eaten quite enough chocolate cake and quickly excused himself from the table. Amber covered her mouth and started giggling. Great.

"You have quite a little guy there, " the man went on. "He's really bright for his age."

"He certainly is." I was going to have a very long talk with the little Einstein as soon as I got off the phone.

"So how are you?"

"I'm fine. Listen Phil, this is a little awkward. It was very nice of you to call, but I'm really not interested in dating anyone right now."

Brian stuck his head around the corner and peeked at me. I pantomimed a swat on the bottom, and he disappeared again.

I could hear the amusement in Phil's voice. "I can understand that. Still, every mom needs to get out and have fun every once in a while. How about I take you bowling this Saturday--no strings attached?"

"I don't bowl," I said automatically. Amber tugged urgently on my shirt."Sorry Phil, can you hang on a minute please?" I held the phone to my chest. "What?" I asked my daughter.

"Ask him to take you bumper bowling, Mom," my daughter offered helpfully. "Even YOU could do that."

Laughter poured out of the receiver. Figures he'd hear that.

"I really don't think this is a good idea," I said into the phone.

"I'm sure I could arrange for a bumper lane if you want."

"Very funny."

The man simply refused to take no for an answer. "Come on," he wheedled charmingly. "We can take the kids with us. They'll have a blast, and I'd really enjoy the company."

Brian had tiptoed back into the kitchen and was whispering wildly back and forth with his sister. They stopped when they caught me looking, faces wide with innocence. I drew my finger across my throat meaningfully.

"I don't know anything about you," I pointed out.

"What would you like to know? I'm funny, charming, and not too hard on the eyes I guess. I have a steady job, like kids, cook a mean steak, and I never leave the toilet seat up. I've never gotten a ticket or been in trouble with the cops--although I came close the time I was almost caught rolling Susie Hamell's yard when I was twelve."

I laughed.

"See?" he said. "You like me already."

"Can they really arrest you for rolling a yard?" I grinned, despite myself.

"Well, it was a bit more complicated than that. My friend Billy's dad had a carton of pink toilet paper he'd picked up on remainder somewhere. Once we felt pretty sure the family was asleep and it was safe, Billy and I started tossing something like 20 rolls all over the trees and bushes. It was a beautiful sight. Then we almost got caught by one of the neighbors who was out walking his dog, so we ran all the way home. The only problem was, we didn't count on it raining that night. The next morning Mr. Hammell came out to find that his yard, his driveway, and the roof of his shed had turned bright pink."

"Oh no!"

"Uh huh. Luckily he was able to get rinse most of it off with the hose. And since Billy and I managed to get away, my record is clear."

"Glad to hear it."

"So," he continued smoothly. "Should I pick you up about 1:00 on Saturday?"

"You just don't give up, do you?"

"Nope. I'm stubborn that way. How about this? You think on it a bit, and I'll give you a call tomorrow. I promised my mom that I would treat her to dinner tonight so I'd better head on over there now. If you like I can have her call you and reassure you that I'm not an axe murderer or anything."

"I really don't think that's necessary . . ."

"Good it's settled then. I'll give you a call tomorrow. Bye Juno." Click.

I stared at the receiver, still not quite sure what had just happened.

I hung up the phone and looked around for the kids. I found them curled up on the living room couch watching TV.

"Okay. Hand 'em over."

They looked at me, puzzled.

"Hand what over?" Brian asked.

"My business cards. I want you to give them to me right now. "

Reluctantly Brian reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of cards held together with a ponytail elastic.

"Thank you. I don't know what you were thinking of, but you can't just go around handing out information like that to strange men. You know better than that. "

"He wasn't strange--he was funny and nice!" Amber piped up.

Brian nodded his agreement. "Yeah. I mean it's not like I give 'em to everybody. Only the really cool people."

"I don't care. I do not want you to go around asking men to date your mom! Not only is it extremely dangerous, it's downright embarrassing!" A thought struck me. "Exactly how many of my cards did you guys give out.?"

The kids exchanged looks.

"Well, there was the cash register guy at the grocery store," Amber offered.

"He's a TEENAGER!" I exploded.

"He was cute though," she insisted. "And you're always saying age doesn't matter."

"Well it does if you're old enough to be the kid's mom!" I sighed. "Who else?"

"The pizza guy downstairs. . ."

"The guy at the laundrymat. . . "

"The old man who runs the movie theater. . ."

I put my face in my hands and groaned. This was not good.

"They all thought you were really pretty," Brian offered helpfully.

Great. Just great.

"Listen, I know you two meant well but you have to promise me not to do anything like this again. I mean it. I don't like you talking to strangers without me present. Understand? And I am perfectly capable of choosing for myself what people I want to go out with."

The kids looked at each other doubtfully.

"I mean it guys! No more handing out business cards or trying to set me up. Got it?"

Amber shrugged. "Fine."

"Brian?"

"Okay, okay! I promise."

Looking back, I should have made sure his fingers weren't crossed behind his back. And I definitely should have remembered to check his secret stash under his bed. . .
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18 comments:

Vickie said...

Please tell me you have written a book using your experiences if not please consider because you have some great ones that you share with us. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

Anvilcloud said...

You have a very good way of recounting your stories.

Juno said...

Thanks for the encouragement Victoria. I do have the beginnings of one but am having trouble streamlining it so that it has a uniting plot. My writing tends to be little snapshots of a particular moment.

Anvil--I had a good time living the stories too!Although how I managed to survive my kids' childhood I will never know.

Red Hot Sexy Papa said...

hi! Thanks for dropping by!

I love the layout! And that story is a great chuckle! Will be back!

Lick your lips if you are feeling great today! - RHSPapa

MoMo said...

So? What happened, did you go bowling?

Juno said...

Cali, I am sorry to report that although we did have two more phone conversations, I never did go out with the man.

Amber and Brian never quite gave up their quest to find the perfect man for mom either. They eventually developed a sort of test they used to check out anyone I did go out with. But then, that's another story...

jac said...

You are never out of stories juno and for that matter you don't need even to think too much.
Say what ? you cant blame that guy on that phone. If I was some where nearby, I would have done the same. Now I would have to find a way to bribe Brian for one of your business cards from under his bed. :):):)

thtgrl said...

oh, this was so funny! i'm glad i don't have business cards...

Anonymous said...

Enterprising children you have there. What a great story. I have to say that was as pretty bold dude to call like that! :)

mary bishop said...

HI Juno, super blog, unique and you certainly are a master of dialogue...exceptional!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You are a superior story-teller. And Brian got one thing right, at least: You are really pretty. (This is no mash note; I am too old for you. However, I also don't bowl, so I've got that going for me.)

purple_kangaroo said...

Oh, my goodness . . . this is hilarious. Thanks for stopping by my blog, too. :)

Anonymous said...

If you did write a book, make each chapter an individual story... 26-30 little snippets for $____ a piece? You have some great stories here!!

Thank you for leaving a comment earlier :)

Phyllis said...

Hmmm, I think I'll get some business cards made up. Oh, and can I borrow your kids??

Phyllis said...

By the way, I just linked you on my site. I think my friends would enjoy your writings. I sure do!
I'll take it off if you ask.

Darrell said...

Hey, I hope you don't mind an off topic comment, but your blog layout looks really sharp. This isn't just some template, is it? Did you design it yourself? Kudos to the designer, whomever he or she may be.

Juno said...

Glad you asked, Darrell! Cat over at Blog-Togs designed my template for me. I told her I wanted a writer's theme and gave her idea of the look I wanted. This is what she came up with. Amazing.

Anyay, the Blog-Tog girls, Cat and Anna, donate a chunk of the proceeds from their design work, after site and expenses have been paid, to charity.Their rates are very reasonable. A total blog redesign is only about $40 installed.

Vist their new site for details and tell them I sent you:

http://www.blog-togs.com/

Anne said...

Hahaha! Very funny story! Sounds a little like "Sleepless in Seattle."

I have been reading some other posts and it sounds like it would have been fun growing up with you as a Mom!